Life is a Car - Don't Forget the Oil Changes

     Yes, you should help someone in a crisis. Yes, you should support that person, to help them to be able to once again stand on their own. But you can only help them if they are willing to be helped, and when they are willing to help themselves. It cannot be one-sided support, because as we all know, if one of the support pillars is not actually supporting, the whole structure eventually tips over and crashes to the ground. You ARE one of the support structures in your own life. You are!

    If you have a car and never get an oil change, it will break down. When it breaks down, you call for help. A friend or family member comes to help you, calls a tow truck, and the car is taken to a mechanic, who then fixes the car. Because the car was broken down, you couldn't go to work to earn money, so the friend/family member pays for the tow and for the car repair to help you get back on your feet. You are now back on the road, or should I say, the road of life.

    Now you know that you must get a periodic oil change, or your car will break down again in the future. You must do your own due diligence, because it is your own car. If you do not get those oil changes someone might come help you again, make all the efforts to get your car repaired, but there is a limit to how many times people will do that for you. 

    That is how life is. People do not want to keep putting good money after bad and wasted effort forward for someone who doesn't put in any effort of their own. It is not their car, not their responsibility, it is yours. Your car, your life, your responsibility. Not theirs. 

    The same applies to everything in life, including your health - both physical and mental. You get sick, your friends/family members call the ambulance to take you to the hospital, and the mechanics (doctors, nurses, nursing homes) do their best to repair you. It then it is up to you to get the oil changes. It is up to you to make lifestyle changes, to stop smoking, to stop drinking, to eat a healthy diet, and to put forth the effort in activity and exercise. If you find that you cannot do it all on your own, you need to make the calls to find people and places that will help you to help yourself. There is no magic pill, and no magic wand, and no genie that will cast a spell to make your car work forever without an oil change. 

    It is your car, your life, and it requires your own diligence and your own effort. Other people are not going to be there forever to support you, to "gift" you with help, hope, money, care, and consideration when you are not putting in any effort on your own behalf. 

    If you believe at some point that your friends and family have abandoned you at the "worst time in my life", you are more than likely wrong. The current worst time isn't the only worst time. There probably have been many other "worst times" in your life. People were there for those times. Not everyone in the world, but some people were there. At different times, some different people, but after a point, some have given up and moved on. 

    

    In life we evolve, or de-evolve, in many different and distinct ways. Most people at many times in their lives become set in their ways, in their mental attitudes, behaviors, and in their own self-image. They do not evolve or de-evolve but instead become stagnant. Yet, as society changes, as other people change, that stagnancy becomes in fact, de-evolution. 

    A marriage becomes stagnant when you do not work on it. If you settle in, believe that it will always be the same, that it is perfect, without putting in any further personal effort or change, you will discover at the end that your spouse might have settled in too, but won't remain settled in. They will become unsettled, or you will, in the end. Life isn't a static thing, and neither are relationships. Family, friends, acquaintances, they all change over time. The people do. 

    We all have our own lives, and our own oil changes. Be it health, love, mental fitness, or physical fitness, we each have our own challenges, and need to make our own efforts for our own benefit. As time goes by, people begin to decide that some challenges, and some efforts, are pointless to keep wasting effort on. Most decide those are being thrust us by other people who are unwilling to change themselves. 

"You have to accept me for who I am, and how I am, and that is the way it has to be, for me!"

    Except, we really don't have to. We are not you. We are ourselves, alone. You do you, but don't expect us to do you too. We don't have to, and we don't want to. 

And that my friends, is the way it really is. 

If life is a car, don't be a flat tire. 

My best regards to you all, 

M.W. Van Dyke

***

Footnote:

I must note the following with my foot:

The quote, “Responsibility finds a way. Irresponsibility makes excuses.” (Gene Bedley 2021), which he probably thought up on his own, however I read this many years ago while reading a blog post by Dr. Marvin Marshall. 

He had written, "Whenever my students gave me an excuse for something within their control, my standard comment was, "Responsibility finds a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse." The purpose of this mantra was to encourage responsible thinking and behavior.

I used the Gene Bedley quote image only because I could not find one for Marshall, and I was too tired after writing my blog entry to create the image. So, being lazy. How irresponsible! 😜

Subway Restaurants - Yes, they smell as bad as being in an actual subway

    Oliver is funny, as always, but totally true. 99.9% true. I really feel bad for those who invested everything they have in their Subway franchise. They are locked in a bad business model, nasty bread, and ridiculous regulations. When the company changed the bread, I stopped going there for my favorite meatball sub. Nasty bread!

Despite that, the real reason Subway isn't doing as well as other fast-food brands is because the locations do not have a drive-thru - And it is a P.I.T.A. (not the bread) to have to "pick and choose" what you want on your nasty bread. Other walk-in sub sandwich places, they make theirs by set recipes and ingredients. Order, and out. 

Americans don't like going through the school lunch line once they are out of school. 😜

The Smoking Gun - It is Called a Cigarette - Aimed at your Lungs

        I recently tried to gradually give up smoking because the owners and management of our apartment complex are turning it into a non-smoking place (inside buildings at least). I tried to cut back my smoking and only smoke outside on the porch during high anxiety attacks. I do get those from time to time. But that quickly turned into a bigger issue for me because of the outside air quality.  

    I have COPD. So, yes, smoking at all is bad enough on me even when using a Nic-Out filter, but add bad outside air quality to that and I can experience major trouble breathing. Even when I don't smoke at all, I can have a hard time from being outside. During the worst episodes I have to bring out the inhaler and the oxygen treatment machine. Thankfully, those episodes are few and far between - at least for the time being.

        I finally decided to quit smoking by going "cold turkey". Weening off doesn't work for me; A little bit always turns into the need for more and more. It was very hard on me, but I did try. I am not so much addicted to nicotine than I am to the action of smoking. The feel of the cigarette between my fingers, the smoke rising in front of my eyes, the habit of it. The action, reaction. 

    I made it a week and a half before I was smoking again. Why did I restart smoking? It was my own fault. My eldest sister begged me to come take her outside at the nursing home so that she could smoke. I caved in, partially because I wanted a smoke myself, and drove to the store and then on to the nursing home. I bought a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and some Nic-Outs. I told myself I would not smoke, only allow her to smoke. That was not how it turned out. She smoked, I saw it, I smelled it, which made me desperately want one, so I lit one up. We went through 3 cigarettes each during that visit. When I got home, I was outside on the porch smoking every few hours again. Bleh

    My sister kept bugging me to come take her out again to smoke. I had decided that I was going to cold turkey again and really stick with the plan this time. I told my sister I wasn't going to smoke or have smoking around me. I would not go to a store to buy it, or hold a pack in my hand. But she was relentless and pitiful sounding, and one of her sons said I should let her smoke because she needed the social interaction, and to be outside. They don't allow patients outside at that nursing home, which is a sore point for me, and for the patients. 

    I was sick over that next weekend and was finally feeling up to visiting her on Tuesday. We went to the parking lot to smoke. We were by my car the entire time and 5 cigarettes a piece later, I rolled her and her wheelchair back inside. That's when the nurse at the reception desk told me they don't allow smoking anywhere on the grounds, not even sitting in your own car. To smoke, you must leave the property. My sister fudged over that rule when she said we could smoke in the parking lot. I was not amused.

    We were outside for an hour and a half. It was nice out. The sun was shining. I went home with a sunburn on the top of my bald head and within a short amount of time I began to have trouble breathing. 

    I visited my sister on Tuesday. By Thursday she was already incessantly calling and IMing me begging me to come take her outside for a smoke again. I told her I'd try to come on Friday but could not promise. It would depend on how I was feeling and if I was busy or not. I didn't go Friday. I didn't go Saturday. I did not go Sunday. My father was sick over the weekend, and I wasn't feeling very good either. I was experiencing on and off issues catching my breath. 

    For me, the final straw was standing outside on my porch, coughing, pressed up against the sliding glass door to protect the cigarette from the rain coming through the slats of the deck of the apartment above ours. I could vaguely see my reflection in the sliding door glass, see the glow of the lit cigarette, and I asked myself, "Why the hell am I doing this?!!"

    I went back inside and threw the almost full carton of cigarettes, all the lighters, all the Nic-Outs, and all the ashtrays, into the trashcan. When the rain stopped, I gathered up the trash bags and walked them down to the big trash compactor and threw that addiction in. I then pushed the button to crush it beyond recovery or salvage and then walked calmly back to my apartment. 

I didn't look back once. Not once. 

        My sister continues to badger me to come take her outside to smoke. She tried every trick in the book to get me to come, or at least bring her cigarettes. Overhanded and underhanded, she tried every single way to get me to go buy cigarettes and bring them to her. She didn't ask one time during the weekend how our elderly father was doing. She even slyly insinuated that perhaps I was making his illness up because I didn't want to come and was using that as an excuse. 

        I am not going to blame my sister for my own weakness. She is stuck in a nursing home and doesn't want to be there. She has no interests, no hobbies, no coping skills, and isn't getting the mental help or the behavioral rehabilitation that she desperately needs. All she does is lay in bed and watch TV. The books and magazines I've taken her, those lay hidden still in the bag, under a pile of clothes. Never looked at, never opened. The crossword puzzles have never even been touched. The websites suggested, never signed up for. She doesn't even use Facebook to engage people, she only uses it to IM me about coming to take her out for a smoke. 

    Is it any wonder that whenever she is released from care to live on her own, she ends up in the hospital within a week or two, and then back in a nursing home for months? She's been in the current nursing home for almost 5 months, and it is only within the last month she has been going crazy needing a cigarette. She is not on the nicotine patch. She said she is "thinking" about getting on the patch now, usually saying that when we tell her she needs to stop smoking. It is a delaying tactic. 

    A sad fact about that is, when my sister was on the patch a year or so ago, she smoked while she was wearing the patch. That is very dangerous - especially now that she has congestive heart failure. Nicotine overdose is not a pleasant way to die. 

    I informed my sister that I had thrown all of my cigarettes and smoking paraphernalia out, that I was quitting smoking cold turkey, and I would never again buy a pack of cigarettes, or even handle one. And I don't want smoking around me while I am attempting to quit smoking for good. I will not succumb to temptation again. I won't buy them, carry them, transport them, ever again. I am not yet strong enough to resist the temptation when it is right there in front of me. 

    Of course, that doesn't matter to her. She continues to beg, plead, badger, threaten, and then tries to smooth it over and compliment me on my always helping her, not abandoning her, and, by the way, bringing her one cigarette really should not be a big deal. "Don't be a baby about it."

This time, my decision made, I will go forward and not look back. Not even once. 

Life Begins, and Life Ends

     My father has been (slightly) sick these last few days. It makes it even more difficult because I have to keep on him to take his medications, to drink fluids, and even to eat. Keeping him out of bed is normally a chore, but it is harder when he is feeling under the weather. He needs to rest, yes, but he also needs to drink water and eat and not skip medications. 

    Perhaps it is a seasonal allergy, or a minor cold, but if we are not careful it can turn into something worse - or he could decline mentally and physically by not eating or drinking or medicating. It is a constant battle to keep him going. 

    I am sure he is bored out of his mind. All he has in his life is the daily newspaper and television. He doesn't read books anymore, when he used to read one entire book a day. He doesn't (and can't) use a computer, and won't do crossword puzzles, or have any hobbies. He never leaves the house, not even to go to the store. There is no social interaction for him - except when the maintenance guys come in to fix the sink. Bleh

    He is tired, worn out, and has no stamina. He will sleep the entire day and night away if I wasn't on him to get up. The longer he sleeps without eating or drinking water, the more likely it is that dehydration kicks in, and he will sleep until he dies. That is a hard truth. 

    I've told family and friends that this is probably my father's last year unless something dramatic changes. I keep him going. I keep him hydrated and fed. I keep him active - as much as I can. He is still feeble, he is still frail, and he is as thin as a rail. It doesn't take much to adversely tip the scale. 

    I won't allow my father to end up in a nursing home, except for hospice, when he is no longer there mentally. I've seen those elderly people lying unconscious in those beds, sleeping away their last moments. I always thought they were being over-medicated and that was why they are forever asleep. I have learned that is not the case. My dad does exactly the same thing and he looks exactly how those poor souls do, and he is not being over-medicated. It is just the end of life coming closer - quicker for those who have no interests, or interest. *sighs*

    It is a daily grind and a daily struggle to keep him from slipping down to the last moments. I have to watch him, time him, check his medication levels, check to make sure he actually DID drink that glass of water and didn't secretly pour it into the sink. That is my daily life. At least part of it.

    It kind of sounds like I am forcing him to live when he has no interest in living. I kind of am. I don't believe he wants to die, but at the same time he can't find anything worth living for. He is tired. I get that. I know that myself. It is a struggle, a battle, that we all fight at some point(s) in our lives. 

    Me, I go on just to spite those who don't care if I go on or not. That is my goal in what remains of my life. That is actually almost 100% true. 🙂

Live the Dream

    I have often told people over the years to go out and find their dream and make it a reality, no matter what their age might be. I've said in no uncertain terms that it won't be easy. The effort might at times be fun and even very enjoyable, but more often what it is, is frustrating and anguishing and painful, and even depressing. It will appear that other heavy issues keep popping up in your life that stymie you on that dream fulfillment, that reality, and that success. Life doesn't stop and make way when you are out trying to find your dream. It moves, it changes, and it blocks, and interferes. That is life. 

    You cannot wait for your dream to find you. You have to force the effort to make your dream a reality. It is adversarial to do that: It is you against the world; A world filled with other people who have dreams of their own, many that conflict with your dream, or your success. 

The primary adversary to you making your dream a reality is always yourself. 

    The problem with reality, is often that it is not as nice and comfy or as satisfying as the dream. That is because the dream is the success of the hope and of a wish. It does not take into account the long and winding road to reach the end. The end, by the way, is often not the end, but the beginning... of a cliff. 

    Every single artistic person that I have engaged with in my life, be they writers, or photographers, or actors, painters, sculptors, or general life celebrities, all have had rough times getting to the level of success that they have, or once had. If they managed to succeed to a degree, that was never enough for them. If they had a big success, it was never that great for more than a few days, because once you have a success, you must follow that up with another one. And another one. One success does not fill a life, and it will never satisfy the dream. 

    As you try for your dream you must realize and accept that things will not go smoothly. They never do. You will face family issues, pet issues, health issues, people who think you won't succeed, and other people who cheer you on, but really don't do anything else. Most of your "cheer squad" won't lift a finger to help you succeed. They are just hoping you will remember them cheering you on if you do make it. And of course, there are always those who latch on to you in hopes of making a personal payday for themselves. 

    How do you focus on reaching your dream when there is all of that and more to consider and concern yourself with? It is impossible. You can never succeed alone. There is too much going on around you that needs to be minded, filtered, protected, and secured. 

    All of the above sounds heavy, and it is. It can be disheartening. But it doesn't only apply to those seeking their dream, it applies to every single person on the planet, whether they are trying for their dream or just living a daily life. The same applies to an aspiring artist, musician, actor, writer, and every tradesman, waiter or waitress, or that guy filing for unemployment. 

    Once you realize that, you can realize that you are not special. What you are is a person trying to create something special. That is the reality of it. If you don't believe yourself to be special, you won't expect life to treat your kinder than the rest of the people out there. Believe me, it won't. 

    People in your life will get sick. You will get sick. Your pet will get sick. Your kids, or your relatives will need help and support all the time, usually when you are trying to reach your dream. The car will break down. The buses will go on strike. And a pandemic will hit just when you finally got a big break and a recurring role on a new television series.

What you must do is not become overwhelmed by the moment.
That moment will pass. 

    When I said before that the primary adversary to you making your dream a reality is always yourself, I mean that. You decide your level of success. You decide if you are special or not. You decide if you believe you deserve special treatment. You decide if you tick off the wrong people and lose your breaks or lose the success you managed to achieve. 

    You also decide which burdens you will take on, either fully, or partially. You need to look at each burden that is thrust at you and decide what, if any, percentage of your effort you can devote to that burden while also trying to achieve your ambitions, or your dream. 

Life will throw things in your path. Learn to side-step. 

    If you are an actor, or television personality, get 2 phones. One phone you have for friends and family. The other phone, you use for business, managers, contacts. Block all family and friend phone numbers on that second phone. Turn the first phone off when you are working, or at an interview, or doing other work.

    Writers, artists, sculptors, do the same thing. Or turn off your phone when you are working if you cannot afford 2 phones. Cover the Caller ID display with a towel. Put it all in the drawer and focus on your writing, painting, or sculpting. Two phones are a better idea because some business calls you don't want to miss. Block friends and family on the 2nd phone. 

    You have to be there for friends and family, but you do not have to be on-call 24/7. The more people you care about, the more family you have, the more relationships, the more burdens will be thrust at you out of the clear blue sky at the worst possible moments. That is just life. It keeps running on even when you need it to stand still. 

    Project Management, but containing not only your work, but also your daily life, family, friends, burdens, and responsibilities. Priorities. Percentages. Time allowances. And also, to learn how to say and mean, "No. I can't. I'm busy."

    If your dream is to be an artist, then be an artist. If you want to be a musician, be one. You want to be a writer; you need to write. If you want to be a celebrity, then you go all out and become one. Don't consider level of success. Just be what you want to be. Put in the time. Put in the effort. Put in the work. The level success will be what will be, but it will never rise to the level of your dream, because the more you have, the more you want, and the more you dream. The song might remain the same, but the dream never does. 

    Day after day, set aside the required hours to work towards your dream. Protect those hours. Work those hours. Move forward during those hours. Never ever allow outside burdens to intrude, overlap, or overlay those protected hours. Life WILL try to intrude, as will family and friends, but you have to stand firm. Don't allow them to. Don't answer the phone when they call. Ignore the knock at the door. The dream won't knock, it won't call, it will just wait on you, quietly, and will slip farther away if it doesn't see you soon. You must move towards it. 

    You might well have a nightmare journey and never reach the goal, but if you want to be an artist, be one, and you are one. That is the reality of it, success or rejection aside. You are what you make yourself. You are not special, but you seek to dream of creating something special. 

That is the real hope of the dream, even if you do not realize it. 

Not Everything Flushes

     I learned the hard way: If your kitchen sink has a food disposal in it, if the sink is backed up with a lot of water, don't turn on that disposal! Yes, the water will go down in the sink, but it will come out from unexpected places if the drainage line is blocked. If you turn on the food disposal, as you watch the water level go down in the sink, you might not notice it exploding out into the hallway until it is too late. 

If the drain line is blocked, the pressure force of the disposal will push the water down and out on the path of least resistance. For us it came out from under the dishwasher and from the HVAC system, spraying out onto the hallway carpet. Lesson learned! Don't play with your sink disposal unless you are Moses and can part the abundant waters. 

    It is one of the problems with shared drainage and sewer lines in an apartment building or condominium: You cannot control what other tenants flush down their toilets or force down their kitchen sink drain lines. Common sense and logic do not seem to be installed or instilled in some people. It seems that is true of a higher percentage of the human race than you might expect. They flush diapers, feminine protection pads, tampons, thick paper towels, and even things like Kitty Litter down the "Porcelain Princess" and think it should be just fine and dandy to do that. 

    Another thing they seem to not realize is that a food disposal in the kitchen sink is not a "Dispose All" (Bad name for it). It does not dispose of all things. It is not as powerful as a woodchipper! It won't do the job on dead bodies like it does in the movie Fargo. It is for light soft foods, not dense material, like bones, or an entire pot of under-or-overcooked Northern Beans, or even a half plate of thick chopped uncooked red cabbage that you made into coleslaw (the one no one can chew much of). It for sure won't do the job on kitty litter! It might work for the cat poo, but the litter, it is supposed to go into a trash bag; Then you can dump that bag out to sea. 

No wonder the planet hates us. Pfft!

Don't flush your crap down the crapper!

You might need to think on that last sentence. If you do need to think on it, please, don't rent in the same apartment complex as I do. 😅

Netflix - Clueless in California

 I have an idea for Netflix: How about not putting ads up on content to try to compete with free streaming services, while overcharging for "ad free" subscriptions? How about not paying Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson 20 million dollars to make a crappy movie. You know he publicly stated that he pees in a bottle while working out. He doesn't have time to go to the restroom. He doesn't need 20 million, he needs counselling, and a few dollars for plastic bottles.

Also stop raising your subscription rates every year. We don't want to pay for The Rock's gold-plated pee bottles with the platinum cap. We don't! We really, really, don't.

Pay out for good quality content and you won't have free streaming services getting all of the many tons of movies and television shows - both the good and the bad, that have fan bases who will dump Netflix because Tubi TV has what you don't. 

AND, stop making or contracting TV series that you cancel before they get a chance to get off the ground. It takes time to build a loyal fan base audience. Those that get instant high ratings that you renew, the next couple of seasons kind of suck because you rushed them into development. 

There are several shows on HBO and Showtime that I want to see, but I do not subscribe to those cable services. I won't just for the one or two shows. I used to get mad when I had HBO because I often thought, "There is never any movie on here I want to see!"

I would never keep paying for Netflix all year long just so I can see the updates to The Witcher or Stranger Things when they *finally* come out. I'd sign up for 1 month and then binge, cancel, and cancel again (since you make it so hard to cancel).

Get a clue Netflix.

And, for the record, those of us who pay for 2 and 4 screens, if two people are logged in on separate devices watching different shows, that's not "password sharing", you foolish mortals. It is not. Pfft.