When I was younger, I remember seeing many television shows and movies where you see the dad or granddad heading towards the bathroom with a newspaper under the arm, him saying or suggesting that "This will take a while."
We laughed about it, of course. Our brains filled in the details, sometimes with the idea that his bowel movement would be a big one, or that he just wanted privacy to read his newspaper, or whatever our young brains decided to fill in for us. We smiled or laughed or chuckled. It was almost always humorous.
Little did we know that the reality is not so funny. It is still a laugh to me, of course. But at the ripe age of 57 I have come to learn that body functions do not work as once they did, and certainly not as fast or smooth, or even as uncomplicated.
I finally realized why those men in the shows and in the movies were going in for that "long sit". It is simply that quick trips to the bathroom are not always possible after you've passed a certain age. Sometimes you discover that after you've finishing peeing and are washing your hands, you have to go pee again. You learn that it isn't always over, until it is actually over.
You will also learn with age that things are even slower to process on the other side: You need to sit, and wait for things to move, and then move again, and drip and drain, and eventually close up shop. Once everything has closed up, you can clean yourself down there and head for the sink to wash your hands. It comes as a complete surprise to you when you discover that you wiped far too early, because neither the inner sphincter or outer sphincter are done doing their jobs yet, and the rectum is still in the process of locking the back door.
It is not simply solid waste that you must be mindful of, it is also gas and fluid and what can feel like oil but is really a type of mucus or pus. Rectal discharge is any substance, aside from feces, that comes out of your rectum. Your rectum is the last part of your digestive system before your anus, which is the opening at the end the system. If you sometimes experience burning and inflamed internal and external hemorrhoids, that might possibly be caused by the anal leakage that kept flowing oily mucus out when you got up before your back door was completely closed and locked.
If you still have little solid bits and pieces, and slow-moving gas and fluids remaining in the lower end of the gastrointestinal tract, your back door is not done closing. There are tons of nerves down there that detect those almost imperceivable solids and fluids and gases and so it continues to process them out. The lubricants it sends, that can be the oily discharge that makes you feel like you had Indian curry for dinner. When it seeps out on the skin it turns into an irritant that inflames everything. I believe that, for a great many people, it is the reason they have inflamed hemorrhoids: They left the back door ajar.
If you interrupt the back door closing because you believe it is done closing, standing up and going about your day, a lot of things will continue seeping out for much longer than it would have if you just had remained on the toilet to complete the process. You have to be sure it is completely, and I do mean completely, over and done with. You might have to get your hands dirty, or at least a finger or two, but you have to make sure the anus is fully closed up. If it doesn't feel tightly closed, it isn't done yet. Sit and wait. Then finger yourself again to be certain and if you are you can then proceed to mop up the floor around the back door. Give the door a good cleaning as well. It might be a little dirty from the exposure to the elements.
***
Slang imagery can be overused. I have just made an example of that in the above sentences. I will later claim that I did it on purpose, but that will be a lie. *chuckle*
I don't take a newspaper or magazine into the bathroom with me. I focus on the task at hand, or even sometimes brush my teeth, or let the toothpaste swish around in my mouth for those long minutes to assist in loosening up the plaque and tar-tar while I am also waiting for other things to loosen up.
Hey! I have a good idea, especially if you are constipated: If you take your smartphone or tablet computer or Kindle in when you sit down on the toilet to evacuate your bowels, tune into Facebook and find that friend who posts things that upset or bother you, and you won't have to strain to push anything out. Just read that person's timeline. It will come naturally.
What I have learned with age is that sometimes you just have to sit down and wait it out. It is not as quick or as smooth or as problem free as when I was young, but things do still work, they just work themselves out slower. It is a chore, a task, a dirty job that someone has to do. I can't really ask someone else to do it for me.
Well, not for free. ;P
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